Fathering as a Fan
If you are a sports fan, then you know the rollercoaster of emotions a person might experience during a game, a season, or even over years as they follow a sports team: from the euphoria that comes with winning, to the disappointment and despair following a loss. Some fans have even been shown to experience both psychological and physiological changes during, and long after, a game (examples include an increase in reckless behavior, changes in testosterone levels and changes in eating habits).1,2
Although fans prefer to see their team win, they also tend to have great respect for the game itself and appreciate good performances from the opposing team: Think about Lebron James receiving a standing ovation from Philadelphia 76ers fans when he became the youngest person to reach 25,000 points; or Cristiano Ronaldo receiving a standing ovation from Juventus fans after he put his side, Real Madrid, up 3-0 with a brilliant overhead kick.
‘I know all this’, you say, ‘but what does it have to do with being a father?’
According to Mark Owens, a firefighter and United States Air Force (USAF) veteran with two kids: ‘a great deal.’ Mark is a fan of baseball and coached his son, Austin, from tee-ball up until he was eleven. Then, one day, Austin told him he no longer wanted to play baseball, but was interested in football. It would have been easy for Mark to fall into ‘coaching’ mode, and try to inspire his son to continue with baseball: ‘it’s just a phase, all of us go through slumps, you just have to push through’. Instead, he approached it as a true fan does understanding that sometimes, when things aren’t going the team’s way, a change has to be made, whether it’s a change in personnel, tactics, system/style of play, or coach. Mark was supportive of Austin, recognizing that a change of sport was what was best in this situation. Austin, with the support of his dad, put his all into football, and excels at it. This highlights one of the tools that Mark uses when raising his kids:
• Be your child’s fan. Mark defines a fan as “someone that always strives to see that their child is progressing at their best ability.” Think of an individual or team that you like: you certainly want them to win when they are on court; however, you aren’t completely disappointed if they perform well but are beaten by an opponent that plays better than them. We should bring a similar attitude to parenting: we want to see our kids continuously improving, performing at the best of their abilities, and winning. However, we have to accept that certain situations will defeat them, and we should support them through those periods, helping them to find ways to improve, even if this means a complete change of course. It might be easy to think that being a fan of your children means that ‘anything goes’ and that implementing discipline could be affected. Mark explained that he does not agree: when his kids do not improve or fall short of the standards and rules governing their household, he lets them know it. This leads to the second major tool in his toolbox:
• Hold your children accountable. Mark says that this is especially true during the teenage years, some of the hardest in the parenting journey. Kids at this age will try to test your limits and push against the boundaries you have set. You have to be firm, and help them to understand that there are consequences to their actions – consequences they will certainly experience if they go over the limit. This idea of accountability, of taking responsibility for your actions, leads to a third tool Mark uses:
• Share your experiences with your kids. If you are going to require accountability from your kids, you have to model that behavior. Mark shares some of his life with his kids, talking to them about the problems he has dealt with, how he has sometimes fallen short, and how he has navigated the aftermath. By opening up to his children, he hopes that they, too, will feel comfortable opening up to him, thus deepening their relationship.
It is easy to see the parallels between being a devoted fan and parenting: at times our kids will challenge or even disappoint us; at other times they will make us immensely proud. Through it all, we stick with them, providing support through the ups and downs, with the hope that, over time, they end up with a winning record. This approach to parenting might not be for all of us, but Mark finds that it works, and has helped his relationship with his kids flourish. We hope you’ll find some of his tools useful to you in your journey. 1 Stone, Larry. The psychology of being a sports fan. The Seattle Times. https://www.seattletimes.com/sports/the-psychology-of-being-a-sports-fan/ 2 Devoted football fans experience ‘dangerous’ levels of stress. BBC. https://www.bbc.com/news/health-51222376