It Takes a Village
It Takes a Village
Community.
When someone mentions this word, what comes to mind is often something similar to the dictionary definition:
‘all the people living in a particular district, city, etc.’
‘a group of people forming a smaller unit within a larger one, and sharing common interests, work, identity, location, etc.’ 1
The word ‘community’ tends to remind us of where we come from, what we do, our sense of identity. We often think of our place in the community, but less about the community’s place in us, i.e. the effect it has on us, and how it shapes who we are.
There is an African proverb that speaks to the role of the community in the lives of our children: ‘It takes a village to raise a child.’ It means that ‘an entire community of people must interact with children for those children to experience and grow in a safe and healthy environment. The villagers look out for the children.’ 2 This does not mean that the community takes the place of the parents, but that the community supports them. It takes several people to help with a child’s upbringing: extended family, family friends, the community as a whole. Taking this idea further, it means that society as a whole will have an impact on your kids.
David Dabo is a father of one from Burkina Faso, a country that takes this idea of the ‘village’ raising a child very seriously. David explains that he would not be considered qualified to raise his own son since he would be thought of as a ‘rookie’. David’s father – his son’s grandfather – would take over the responsibility of raising the child since he has the knowledge and experience to do so. David would be considered to be in training camp: watching, and learning, so that if/when he becomes a grandfather, he can then accept the responsibility of raising a child. Additionally, if the child is seen to be misbehaving outside of the home, anyone in the community can reprimand, or discipline him or her, further cementing the community’s role in child development.
Although David no longer lives in Burkina Faso, there are certain tools that he has found helps him, not only in recreating this ‘village’ idea at home, but also in becoming a better father:
• Educate yourself. When you become a father, you join a very large community with a wealth of knowledge. Talk to other dads about their experiences; read articles/books; listen to interviews and podcasts. Find ways to get the information you need to become a better father.
• Spend as much time as you can with your kids. Parenting is 24/7, but we still have our jobs and other things we need to attend to. We have to be purposeful in carving out time to spend with our kids, and when you are at home, be at home: be present, giving your children your full, and undivided, attention.
• Interact with your kids on their level. When you spend time with your kids, it’s easy to want to do things that you think are interesting; but it might be better to do the things that interest them. Is your kid into video games? Play some of their games with them. Do they like skateboarding? Learn to skateboard so that you can share in that activity with them. You get to learn a bit about them, and experience some of their world.
• Think about causes, rather than symptoms. When your child misbehaves, or does something you do not like, don’t just discipline them and be done with it. Think about where the behavior is coming from: If you can find and treat the root cause, then you build a better foundation from which your child can grow.
• Become a better person. I’m sure we have all heard some variation of the following as we were growing up: “Do as I say!” What we’ve come to realize, though, is that kids don’t simply do as we say, they do as we do. Kids mimic what they see their parents doing, so show them what to do by the way you act. You’ll have a greater impact on their behavior than simply telling them what to do.
• Let your kids find their own way. It’s easy to push our own agenda on our kids: “Three generations of our family were doctors, so it’s obvious Charlie is going to be a doctor, too!” Not so fast: Kids have their own interests, and we should do our best to guide their development in those areas.
• Help your kid build their own village. Be active in ensuring your child crafts positive friendships, interacts with people of different generations, and does their best to help others in the community. As the African proverb implies, when it comes to raising your kids, you don’t have to go it alone: use the resources you have around you – family, friends, neighbors, groups. Not only will they help you become a better father, but the variety of interactions that your kids will experience will help them to grow into well-rounded individuals.
Notes: 1 Webster’s New World College Dictionary, 4th Edition. 2 “It takes a village”. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/It_takes_a_village